Justin Bieber

So Austin and I have been married for almost 10 months now (yippee!).  In that time, we've discovered that we pretty much only have one thing in common: Television.  We love our TV shows.  Namely: Scrubs, The Office, Castle, Glee (me), and all things Sports-related (very much him).  We recently decided we better try to substitute the pizza that usually accompanies this joint hobby with more healthy eating habits so we can work on losing the 60-some-odd pounds we've collectively gained in the past 10 months but...that's not what THIS blog is about.  I'm fat and I digress...

Anyway, here's what this blog is really about: Justin Bieber.

If reading that name made you roll your eyes and forced an "oh you've gotta be kidding me" kind of groan from deep down in the recesses of your soul, you're in the right place.  On the other hand, if reading that name made you feel things that should only be felt when you take that first bite of Cheesecake Factory Oreo Cheesecake, LEAVE NOW.  You are not welcome here and may God have mercy on your soul.

So, if you're still reading: Justin Bieber. If you don't know that name yet, just wait 5 seconds. Austin didn't know who he was either when we started watching SNL last Saturday night, but that's only because the kid was born no more than 5 days prior to the taping of that episode.  If you Google Image the name, you're gonna get a kid who looks like he's fresh off the Disney Channel emo farm.  I keep waiting for the tabloids to break the news that Miley Cyrus and Zac Efron had a kid together when they were 6 years old and named him Justin Bieber to keep anyone from finding out. But, oh snap!  Surprise!  The kid's got a voice of pure gold! We did NOT see that coming.

Unfortunately for the tabloids though, no substantial evidence has been released to make a claim like that.  YET.  (You heard it here first, folks.)  Actually, what I find super strange is the fact that this kid was founded by none other than what I like to call the King of hip-hop himself: Usher.  Yeah, that's right, freakin USHER.  I mean, come on! Unfortunately for Austin, I'm not an expert in hip-hop by anyone's definition.  But I do know Usher.  And I had respect for Usher.  No more.

Anyway, one of Usher's posse saw some self-made YouTube videos that Justin posted of him singing songs by JT, Chris Brown and others, including an Usher song or two, and flew the kid out to meet Usher.  Then Usher pretty much signed him immediately and now gets the allowance of every kid in America.  Those who still buy CD's anyway.  And officially made JB (that's Usher's cute little nickname for him) Usher's bank best friend.  Usher even makes an appearance in JB's video for "One Time," basically allowing him to throw a party for a bunch of 12-year olds in his own house and get silly string stains all over his perfect white walls. F that man. F that.

There are plenty more things that bother me about this kid that I'm not going to go into in detail because I should find other productive ways of pretending to work at work.  Bubble Blaster won't play itself you know!  But I will touch on those points: For one, through all of this nonsense, where is the "single mother" that raised him?  And who the heck taught him that sucking in your lip after every line in a song would drive the tweens wild? 

But, when all is said and done, I really only need to say one thing: What the heck are all these people gonna do when this kid finally hits puberty?


DeAnna said...

I laughed from start to finish. At first I thought you were going to say you were a fan or something I was considering pretending we aren't friends anymore and deleting you from my blog roll. But of course, not Mandy, no, she could never be a fan.

Oh, and it sounds like Usher is the new PDiddy (or whatever he's calling himself now) showing up in the video of the artists he makes money off of.

You're hilarious.

Kevin J said...

I've been listening to "pop" music a lot more lately and it's difficult to turn on the radio without hearing one of JB's songs. I had never seen a picture of him until I searched after reading your post. I definitely LOL'd. I had no idea the dude was a white middle-schooler. Usher (actually, isn't it Ursher now? I always hear the other people featured in his songs put emphasis on an 'r' even though there isn't one in his name...) was smart to sign this kid up. Your comment about getting the allowance of every kid in America is spot on. I think his song with Ludacris is not terrible, although Ludacris' part is pretty much pointless. His latest shtick seems to be injecting completely out-of-place raps into otherwise non-rap songs. He needs to go back to rapping about area codes.