Still Awake At 3am = Post No Different From All My Other Posts

I got a new laptop for Christmas from my Mommy. Not because my last one needed to lean against the wall just to stay open because I picked it up by the screen one too many times in the past 10 years of our relationship. Not because it needed to be turned on at 3am if I wanted to check my email on my lunch break. And not because she loves me.

I got a new laptop for Christmas from my Mommy...so I could apply for unemployment. And I have want too will. I'm just trying to figure out why they would allow me to collect unemployment insurance if I'm still collecting salary from W&R and working extra part-time at LW.

State government. That's how. I love Kansas.

No I don't.

I wanna move to Kentucky. Or Tennessee. Or Japan.

Except not Japan. I don't speak Chinese.

UPDATED: I'm Sorry KJ

*Disclaimer: The following is full and complete Mandy sarcasm. Kevin knows I love him.

KJ was the first person to make a comment about my 13 day blog absence. This tells me one thing: He's the only one who cares. He very rudely meanly nicely stated: "New blog plz. I need to know what's going on in your life without asking you directly."

And so, my dear friend, this post is for you:

Dear KJ,

I am so sorry I've been gone. Even though I know all to well that you need my words of wisdom and hilarity for your simple, meaningless life to mean something, I chose to remove myself from your reading pleasure. I'm sorry. Perhaps some explanation and begging of your forgiveness will suffice? Please note: These are not excuses. I simply feel that you deserve an explanation for my absence.

First of all, I am so sorry that today is my last day at Waddell & Reed. Between packing up my desk, training my replacement and saying teary goodbyes to the best bosses and coworkers I've ever had, I should've taken into account your starvation for my wit. What was I thinking? Can you ever forgive me? I'm so sorry.

Next, I must also apologize for the season. How dare I place Christmas shopping for my family and another family above your need for my words? That was just so rude of me. Next year, they will all get e-cards so that I don't have to leave my keyboard for even one second. Because you are that important to me. I'm sorry I didn't show that this year. Candy cane?

And finally, my biggest apology: I'm so so SO incredibly sorry, KJ, that my grandmother passed away only a few hours after I wrote that last post. I'm sorry that she was my favorite and I hers. I'm sorry that we had to wait until my uncle got back from China a full week later before we could have the funeral. I'm sorry I drove 11 hours through the night after working a full day so I could be in Lubbock for the funeral only to turn around and come right back less than 24 hours later because I could not take any more time off from my two jobs. It was rude of me to not find a short balance between the emotional and physical exhaustion and stress to sit down and write something that would make you and my other readers laugh hysterically. And it was even more rude of me to not feel like laughing. Perhaps I'm sick. Either way, I'm sorry.

Again, I do not offer these explanations in an attempt to gain your sympathy. I do not deserve that. I simply hope these explanations of my absence help to extract your forgiveness my friend. My hope, prayer and Christmas wish is that, one day, you'll find it in your heart to forgive me for the depression you must have faced over these last two weeks. I'm so sorry.

Sincerely,

Mandy

But How Did He Know?!

My bosses boss just came over to my desk and said to my boss: "Amanda was prairie doggin it." Apparently, he saw me pop my head up over my cubicle to see if anyone was coming and decided to tell my boss about it. Unfortunately, his choice of words means something totally different to those of us who've seen Rat Race.

Ok, Fine. I Agree With You, KJ. I'd Be Hot If I Was Someone Else

Apparently, my readers are not ammused by my low-self esteem posts. What's up with that? Friends, this is an attempt to make you all feel better about yourself. My hope is that, if you look in the mirror someday and don't like what you see, perhaps you'll say to yourself, "Well, at least I don't have to go on a face diet." And you don't. You're beautiful.

I, on the other hand, am a whopping 25 points below the average person on the official Asian hotness scale. In America, that means I'm practically a fungus. Amungus. Haha! Ok, I'm done.

But, fear not, loyal reader(s)! There is hope for this unfortunate looking woman child yet. One of my most favoritest friends has made yet another attempt to show me that I have nothing to be concerned about.

KJ has the uncanny ability to see me in the most oddest of places. Namely, on other peoples faces.* Over the years, I've been told by this friend that I look somewhat like the following:

Mary Shannon

What's that? You don't know who Mary Shannon is?! Yeah, me neither.

Apparently she is on the USA show In Plain Sight. She plays the ahem freakin hot witness protection agent assigned to keep all these important people from gettin dead. And she does. So I hear.

Anyway, KJ told me once that this chick reminds him of me. Why? Well, apart from the fact that I never wear brown and it would take one heck of a bra to give me that kind of figure, apparently its a tie between her hair and her amazing ability to make men do anything she says just by pointing a gun at them. Have you ever seen me hold a gun? It's intimidating awesome so cool scary. And I guess that does it for some guys.

Unfortunately, this dream will never come true for KJ because I don't like guns. Unless you're a creeper planning on breaking into my room late at night in which case, I have 7 under my pillow.

Anna Torv

If you're saying to yourself, "Mary Shannon, ha! More like Molly Shannon!" you're right. And it's all downhill from here.

KJ just recently told me that this gorgeous young lady also reminds him of me. Again, citing the hair. (Though I'm pretty sure the last time I saw him my hair was about 6 inches shorter and 3 shades darker.) That's why I like KJ. He remembers the good 'ole days.

Anyway, Anna Torv plays the role of Special Agent Olivia Dunham in the new Fox TV show Fringe. She apparently has Marine Corps, FBI experience and is a little bitter thanks to some unknown betrayal. See a pattern here? KJ has a thing for blondes with guns and a bad attitude. But KJ, I only have 1.5 out of 3.

Needed: One freakin hot chick with a gun and vendetta, who secretly just needs to be held by a loving, funny, really cool dude. Redheads need not apply.

Princess Peach

And here's the doozie. But, believe it or not, KJ is not the only person who has referenced Mario's lost love as my lost twin.

Perhaps it's, again, due the the hair (not even close). Perhaps it's the fact that she's a Princess and, in case you didn't know, I am too. Or, perhaps it's due to the fact that scary monster-type creatures like to kidnap her and she's always waiting on some short, chubby plumber and his stupid brother to jump over the fire balls and weird long-necked turtles and stop rescuing wannabes. I'm just sayin.

Oh well. There are worst female gaming characters to be compared too. At least I got the modest, high-necked dress, gloves and dress to the floor chick. He could've said I remind him of Lora Croft and I would've had to have him committed. She's not even blonde.

So, what exactly am I supposed to infer from all of this? All of these beautiful, fictional characters remind KJ of me. And, by his definition, in a good way. This is supposed to make me feel better about my 35% hotness, right? Well KJ, it doesn't. You totally fail. Why? Because I don't carry a gun. And I don't ever want to be in the military. And, other than that one time, I've never thrown a turtle shell at the driver in front of me hoping to knock him off a cliff. I'm just a plain 'ole assistant with fading blonde hair who drives 80 miles an hour on the highway in a black Jeep. Sorry to disapp...wait a sec, that last part is kinda hot.

Note to self: NEVER sell the Jeep. Thanks, Kev!


*Whoa, that rhymed. My bad.

Smiling = Ugly

Text conversation I had with Romeo this morning:

Him: How are you feeling this morning?

Me: Well I was feeling pretty blah but I just read a comment on my blog that made my day.

Him: What was it?

Me: Remember that post about the face analyzer that said I was ugly? The creator commented.

Him: The creator? What did he say?

Me: "I am Rhee SC, BAPA developer. You seems to landmark facial point or fiducials incorrectly. The calculated attractiveness in general, 60-90 for average peoples. You'd better try to analyze your face with more standardized photo and follow guiding description for better define facial landmark. Thanks."

Him: Haha, nice. Why did that make your day?

Me: It gave me something to blog about.

Though, I gotta tell ya, I'm not completely sure what to blog about. Nothing about that comment really makes me look good. I mean, according to him (or her), I'm not the 25 points BELOW the average on the attractiveness scale.

Instead, I'm so freakin dense I can't even figure out simple "put that pointer here and click" instruction. Is that supposed to be better than being ugly? It's not really working out all that well for Jessica Simpson.

And what does "standardized photo" mean exactly?* I thought it just meant "try and keep people out of the picture that are prettier than you."

Sigh.


*UPDATE: I went back and read the instructions a little further on the site (pardon my moment of male-ness) and wouldn't you know it, there's a link for good tips of a "standardized photo." Tip #2: "Your face is relaxed and lips are closed smoothly." So, that explains the lip index issue. Too bad I don't own a single photo of me without either my mouth wide open or flashing those pearly whites. So basically, if I could keep my big mouth shut, I'd be freakin gorgeous.

Tagged And I Don't Hate You And UPDATED: Best Friends of a Different Sex Survey

Trophy Wife tagged me on a Christmas survey so I'll be getting to that in a moment. Fair warning. When you see the numbers, you can stop reading this post.

But before we get to that, I need to tell you that I keep "adjusting" my blog and it likes to delete my list of favorite bloggers. If you read this and don't see your name over on the left, it's not 'cause I hate you. It's 'cause my blog hates you. Please let me know and I'll return you to your rightful spot as one of Mandy's favorites.

Also, if you've never been over there 'cause I don't know you have a blog and read this, that's rude. Tell me. Then we can be friends and you will get a prize.*

Ok, let's see if I can make this worth reading:

1.Wrapping paper or gift bags? You don't have to wrap them, just give them to me.

2. Real Tree or Artificial? Fake

3. When do you put up the tree? Apparently, whenever my roommates and I are all home at the same time for more than 20 minutes. So never.

4. When do you take the tree down? Halloween

5. Do you like eggnog? Yup

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Training bra. When I was 17.

7. Hardest person to buy for? Everyone. So I don't anymore.

8. Do you have a nativity scene? What does that have to do with Christmas?

9. Mail or email Christmas cards? I prefer carrier pigeon.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Jason

11. Favorite Christmas Movie? The Elf

12. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Christmas Eve

13. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I'm giving Mom the training bra back this year.

14. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Dad's enchiladas

15. Lights on the tree? Yes

16. Favorite Christmas song? Throw the Yule Log On Uncle John

17. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay home

18. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? "Reindeer's?" Really?

19. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Christmas morning.

21. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Working in retail

22. Favorite ornament theme or color? Uh...yes?

23. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Bratwurst and little smokies

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? Peace on earth and a new computer

25. Who is most likely to respond to this? No one. But I'm gonna tag Cara, Amanda and Erika.

*You won't really get a prize. But I had to say something to get you to want to be my friend since, apparently, I'm not enough. It's kinda like when you tell someone, "I love you" and they say, "Thank you" or "That's so sweet." Hurts doesn't it? You don't even know!

UPDATED: Right after I finished this post, my boss came out of his office and I gave him this message: "Abby called." That was all the chick told me to say to him so that's all I said. So Brent gets this huge smile and says to me, "That's my best friend. You need to meet her sometime. She's amazing." Now, my question is, knowing that my boss is married and has 2 kids, do you think it's odd that his best friend is a girl named Abby? Can married people have best friends of the opposite sex? Tell me...

What If I Didn't Even Have A Blog?

Things That Are Awesome About Today:

• Romeo is coming home
• Trophy Wife gets to go see Brittany somehow. That would be like me getting to make out with Tony Romo. Except the girls probably won't make out. Well...maybe. Cool. You go Brittany.
• I'm turning in my Voluntary Separation Package application
• I get off at noon just 'cause I want to
• I get to cook dinner tonight
  

Things That Are Not Awesome About Today:

• It's 36 degrees outside
• I had to take a cold shower
• I'm probably not going to make out with Tony Romo
• The fact that 90% of my readers won't leave a comment
• This post