The Face That Launched A Thousand...Gag Reflexes

Considering it's only a matter of time until yours truly is excused from her sorry excuse for a day job, I have taken it upon myself to do absolutely nothing. A change from normal day-to-day activity, I assure you. Ahem.

Anyway, so today I was stalking checking out the Geekologie blog and happened upon his post of BAPA Web. BAPA stands for Balanced Angular and Proportional Analysis is an online facial analyzer that is supposed to determine if a person is attractive or not. I like to call it the Chinese version of "Hot or Not." Actually, I shouldn't say that. It could be Japanese. I don't really know the difference.

What I do know is, it must be broken:

35%? Ouch. Thanks a lot low lip index. You ruined my curve.

And, as if that's not bad enough, if you scroll down below that horrid orange bar graph, they'll give you a detailed list of all the plastic surgery you need to sign yourself up for:

I always knew my Mr. Bean nose would keep me from that modeling career but I never dreamed my mandible would let me down! And what the H is a gonial index?! I'm a girl for crying out loud!!*

And don't think for one second that I didn't notice the common theme: "Your ___ is somewhat larger/wider/bulkier than...most attractive faces."

That's it, I'm going on a face diet.

*You'll get that tomorrow.

Life As We Know It...

From the Kansas City Business Journal:

Waddell & Reed offers early buyouts, may make further job cuts

Feeling the pinch from the stock market’s free fall, Waddell & Reed Financial Inc. has started cutting employees.

Spokesman Roger Hoadley said Monday that the Overland Park-based company (NYSE: WDR) plans to cut 15 percent of its compensation costs. He said the company started offering a voluntary separation package Friday, with enhanced severance incentives tied to job grade and tenure. The voluntary separation offer expires Dec. 4, he said.

“Depending on the result of this voluntary separation program, we’ll look at other alternatives, including the need for involuntary separation,” Hoadley said.

Waddell & Reed CEO Hank Herrmann said in an internal memo to employees on Thursday that the cuts are due to a “swift and violent” decline in stock and bond prices. Most of the company’s revenue comes from fees based on assets under management, Herrmann said, so the company needs to reduce expenses to be more in line with revenue.

Waddell & Reed started the year with $70 billion in assets under management. That has declined to less than $45 billion, Herrmann said in the memo.

“I know that the timing of this announcement, given the approach of the holidays, could not be worse,” Herrmann wrote to employees. “Like you, I wish we were not in this situation. The severity of the market and economic downturn and their impact on us leave us no choice but to take decisive action now, to reduce expenses.”

Hoadley said the company does not plan to cut financial advisers.

Waddell & Reed has 1,030 employees in the Kansas City area and 1,673 overall.

Yup, I'm one of those 1,030 employees.

I Won't Really Burn Your House Down

John (a coworker): What are you eating?! That smells horrible!

Nicole (my boss): It's pea soup. Nutritious and tastes just like cat vomit. Want some?

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I guess no one cares about my injury last week. Or you were just too shocked and appalled by the intensity of it to comment. Or you hate elephants. Rude. If you're going to hate large mammals, you should hate camels. They stink and spit and are uncomfortable at Jewish bar mitzvahs.

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Romeo and I visited the great state of Kentucky last weekend (by way of Tennessee). Two states I've never been to before and am looking forward to returning to. The people there are nice and have accents that make me seem smarter than I really am. I like that.

Romeo met his new family (the Western Kentucky University men's basketball coaching staff) and I got to shop a little and enjoy the fantastiosity of not having to work 2 jobs for 4 whole days. Glory was mine.

Due to his amazingness, Romeo and I got prime seats at the game that Saturday where, for the entire first half of the game, I got to stare at this:


Annoying. But, luckily for me, there was a student in the stands who decided that he was the WKU Pep Squad and spent the entire second half utilizing the power he must've received from drinking 28 cans of Red Bull during halftime:

Awesome.

Other than that, Romeo and I relaxed as much as possible. Here are some candid photos of your favorite couple from the game and Date Night in Nashville:

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In other news, my birthday was last weekend. If you forgot to tell me "Happy Birthday," you have exactly 24 hours before I burn your house down.

I Don't Even Know Any Elephants

So yesterday starts out just like any other day. I get up (reluctuantly), shower, get ready for work, curse under my breath at the idiots who somehow don't know you can't merge if you're not moving, and arrive at work to find that I'm completely bossless. Thinking to myself, "well today will be boring but good, hurray" I sit in my chair and open my bottom desk drawer to put my purse in its usual daily spot. As I'm straightening back up from my stooped over position, my body convulses in one of those "no warning, I'm just here to freak you out" sneezes. These sneezes are normally harmless enough because they come on so quickly you don't have time to attempt to hold them in and risk your eyeballs getting popped right out of their sockets. But this sneeze destroyed me. It was not the fact that I never work out and my body was just waiting to completely break down. Or the fact that I'm turning 26 on Sunday, enabling me to fully embrace the nickname Granny Moo. It was only the position I was in that allowed a 2 ton elephant to kick me right in the back and then dance the Mashed Potato on it while I grabbed my desk and screamed in horror "WHY GOD WHY?!?!"

Ok, that last part actually only happened in my brain. Except for the elephant part. That was real. Except he was doing the Cha-Cha.

So now, for the past 24 hours, I've been dealing with the stares you get when you look like you have a giant fishhook shoved right up your rectum. Not the stares you get when you actually do. Those are more stares of horror and disgust and trying to figure out what you were fishing for. The ones I'm getting are the ones you get when people are thinking "she must have really bad hemorrhoids." And at this point, I wish I did. Actually, I shouldn't say that 'cause I don't really know what hemorrhoids feel like. It could feel like an elephant doing the Cha-Cha on my ovaries and, if that's the case, I think I'd rather have it on my back. If I knew how to do the Cha-Cha, I may even join in. But I don't. Think he'd switch to the Macarena? That one, I know.

PS - It just occurred to me that if the elephant is doing the Macarena, that wouldn't hurt my back as much as the Cha-Cha because you don't really use your feet all that much. And I wanna get the most for my money to keep him from Boot Scootin' over to my ovaries. Maybe we could do the Elictric Slide. I know that one too.

PPS - No one even said "God bless you." That's what really hurts.

Caption Contest!!

You probably won't win anything but see what you can come up with. =) Good luck!!

When you're done with that, say a little prayer for us dorks. We fly out tomorrow morning at 7am for Kentucky!!! Yeeeee-haw!!!

Oh, and if you just can't stand the pain my absence leaves you with, check out this blog. It's my new favorite.

Be good my babies!
Mandy ><>