I Don't Even Know Any Elephants

So yesterday starts out just like any other day. I get up (reluctuantly), shower, get ready for work, curse under my breath at the idiots who somehow don't know you can't merge if you're not moving, and arrive at work to find that I'm completely bossless. Thinking to myself, "well today will be boring but good, hurray" I sit in my chair and open my bottom desk drawer to put my purse in its usual daily spot. As I'm straightening back up from my stooped over position, my body convulses in one of those "no warning, I'm just here to freak you out" sneezes. These sneezes are normally harmless enough because they come on so quickly you don't have time to attempt to hold them in and risk your eyeballs getting popped right out of their sockets. But this sneeze destroyed me. It was not the fact that I never work out and my body was just waiting to completely break down. Or the fact that I'm turning 26 on Sunday, enabling me to fully embrace the nickname Granny Moo. It was only the position I was in that allowed a 2 ton elephant to kick me right in the back and then dance the Mashed Potato on it while I grabbed my desk and screamed in horror "WHY GOD WHY?!?!"

Ok, that last part actually only happened in my brain. Except for the elephant part. That was real. Except he was doing the Cha-Cha.

So now, for the past 24 hours, I've been dealing with the stares you get when you look like you have a giant fishhook shoved right up your rectum. Not the stares you get when you actually do. Those are more stares of horror and disgust and trying to figure out what you were fishing for. The ones I'm getting are the ones you get when people are thinking "she must have really bad hemorrhoids." And at this point, I wish I did. Actually, I shouldn't say that 'cause I don't really know what hemorrhoids feel like. It could feel like an elephant doing the Cha-Cha on my ovaries and, if that's the case, I think I'd rather have it on my back. If I knew how to do the Cha-Cha, I may even join in. But I don't. Think he'd switch to the Macarena? That one, I know.

PS - It just occurred to me that if the elephant is doing the Macarena, that wouldn't hurt my back as much as the Cha-Cha because you don't really use your feet all that much. And I wanna get the most for my money to keep him from Boot Scootin' over to my ovaries. Maybe we could do the Elictric Slide. I know that one too.

PPS - No one even said "God bless you." That's what really hurts.